


Dona Nobis Pacem (And Kittens)

by leiascully



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Naturally Super
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-31
Updated: 2011-05-31
Packaged: 2017-10-29 12:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leiascully/pseuds/leiascully
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Are you ready for the greatest adventure of your lives?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dona Nobis Pacem (And Kittens)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pocky_slash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocky_slash/gifts).



> Timeline: N/A  
> Concrit: Welcome  
> A/N: For **pocky_slash** on her birthday! Thank you to **coffeesuperhero** for the suggestion that the Chinwesters should meet Team Eleventy and also for the quick readthrough, and thank you to **mcwonthelottery** for co-inventing the Chinwesters. Also, the original notion of filling Daleks with kittens probably came from [this comic](http://pics.livejournal.com/roachpatrol/pic/0008sf2g).  
>  Disclaimer: _Doctor Who_ and all related characters are the property of Russell T. Davies, Stephen Moffat, and BBC. No profit is made from this work and no infringement is intended.

It was kind of a surprise for Sean and Dan when the blue box appeared with a noise kind of like someone sharpening a knife really badly. It was an even bigger surprise when the doors opened and a crowd of people poured out, bickering.

"Where are we, exactly?" demanded a woman with bright red hair and a Scottish accent. "And when, when is important."

A man wearing suspenders and a bow tie sniffed the air deeply and seemed about to answer, but before he could, a woman with extremely curly hair leaned around him and said, "America, twenty-first century. He never will do the environment checks. Or take the brakes off."

"Well, isn't that odd?" said Sean to Dan.

"Sure is," Dan said. "I've heard a lot of people ask where they are, but hardly ever _when_."

"Occupational hazard of traveling with the Doctor," said the man wearing sunglasses. He pushed the glasses down his nose and peered at them. "Do I know you?"

"I don't think you do," Sean said. "We're the Chinwesters. I'm Sean and this is Dan. We're brothers. We're demon hunters by trade. We do exorcisms, cleansings, all sorts of things."

"We've got a nice little side business in crafts, too," Dan said proudly.

"That's certainly true," Sean allowed. "We are master crafters. I tat and Dan here crochets and we're both pretty fair painters."

"Well!" said the man in the bow tie. "I'm the Doctor - just the Doctor, thanks - and this is Doctor River Song, archaeologist. The man with the basket of kittens is Amy's husband Rory" - he pointed to each of them - "and Mister Too-Cool-For-School in those sunglasses also has the coolest name, he's Canton Everett Delaware the Third and this is his rather confused fiancé David, who is traveling with us today for the very first time."

Waves and handshakes were exchanged all around.

"So, if you don't mind my asking," Dan started, "why is Rory carrying a basket full of kittens?"

"Because I used to be the newest but now I'm not but I still have to carry everything because it's just kind of my thing now," Rory said.

"Thank you, Rory, for that spectacularly uninformative explanation," said the Doctor, gesturing wildly. "A more pertinent set of facts to tell these handsome Chinwesters would be that we're carrying these kittens around..."

" _I'm_ carrying the kittens," Rory corrected, and Amy rubbed his arm comfortingly.

"...for the purpose of permanently repurposing my most ancient enemy!" the Doctor finished.

"Try saying that five times fast," River muttered.

"I'm still not sure what we're doing," David said. "But I'm new."

"It'll come to you in time," Canton said, squeezing his hand.

"My most ancient enemy, the Daleks!" the Doctor said, clearly kind of carried away. "Have you seen any? They look like big metal bins with bits stuck on, and they've got these eyestalks." He waved his arm around in front of his face in what was clearly supposed to be an illuminating gesture and looked at them expectantly. Sean and Dan just looked at each other.

"He never learns," River sighed. She pulled a blue book out of her handbag and flipped through it. "Here, they look like this." She showed them a sketch. David peered at it too over Canton's shoulder.

"Ah," he said. "They do look like bins."

"They kinda do," Sean agreed, scratching his chin. "But I haven't seen anything like that around here. Have you, Dan?"

"Sure haven't," Dan said regretfully. "They don't look too friendly, though."

"Trust me," Amy said with feeling. "They aren't. Great soldered metal fascists, they are, all 'EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE'."

"And you're gonna replace them with kittens?" Dan asked skeptically. "I don't want to sound rude, but kittens and trash cans don't swap out as easily as you'd think."

"No, no, no," said the Doctor. "The swappy bits are inside."

River flipped to another page. "See, the metal is just a carapace for the creature inside. It acts as armor and transport both, and makes them nearly perfect soldiers."

"'Nearly' being the operative phrase," the Doctor said happily. "Fortunately, we've just about mastered the trick of popping them open, and then we're going to pop out the insides and replace them with kittens that we rescued from the animal shelter."

"That was David's idea," Canton pointed out.

"They needed homes," David said. "At least the Dalek carapaces are self-sustaining, from what River said."

"I thought it was an excellent idea," River reassured him. "Putting the kittens inside will make them much more peaceful."

"Yeah, they'll just try to crawl up people's curtains," Rory said. A kitten was crawling up his arm to join one that had already made it to his shoulder. Amy stretched up to scoop it off and cuddle it.

"Better than trying to kill, oh, everyone ever," the Doctor said, picking up a kitten of his own.

"It's not very clear to me what we'll be doing with the Daleks themselves, though," David said.

"Good old TARDIS," said the Doctor fondly, patting the outside of the blue box. "She does always bring us where we need to go."

"Ah," River said. "Perfect."

"Isn't it?" the Doctor asked. They shared a long look.

"And for the rest of us?" Canton asked.

"The Chinwesters, of course!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Who better to help us make the Daleks into good citizens of the universe than a couple of extremely experienced demon hunters with a crafty bent! They can rid the Daleks of the evil spirits that have taken them over, give them a good old-fashioned attitude adjustment and maybe a sprinkle of holy water. Then we can release them back into Dalek space to convert their fellow Daleks to the cause of joy and light. Meanwhile, the kitten-Daleks will be napping in the sun and all of that, inspiring the rest of them to rediscover a relaxed lifestyle. There'll be Dalek all-inclusive resorts in no time, and peace throughout the universe."

"That sounds like a fine idea," Dan said.

"We love to help out," Sean said. "Almost as much as we love our wives!"

"But I think it'll take more than just us," the Doctor said. His eyes gleamed. "Come on, let's go pick up a few of my old friends to help us out."

"Will some of them be carrying kittens too?" Rory asked.

"You'll have to ask them yourself!" the Doctor said, flinging open the door to the box. "Last I knew, Donna didn't like to carry much of anything, but I bet Martha will be able to devise a good solution to the kitten-carrying problem. Later we might skip over to the parallel universe in case they've got Daleks - I bet they've cobbled together some kind of kitten transport system by now. They're very clever in the parallel universe - I'm there, after all."

"Or we can stop in the 1300s for a pony cart," River muttered.

"It's been a very exciting day," David said to no one in particular as they all walked into the box.

"Just you wait," Canton said. "It gets even better." He put his arm around David's waist and they leaned against each other.

"This place is a lot bigger on the inside," Dan said as he and Sean looked around.

"Everyone says that their first day," Amy told them. "You ready for this, Chinwesters?"

"For what, exactly?" Sean asked politely.

"The greatest adventure of your lives," Canton said. "And if I'm saying it, you know it's true."

"It is," David assured them. "He's usually very low-key."

Sean thought about it for a moment. "Can we stop by our houses and pick up our wives? I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this. Plus, yesterday was our baking night - we've got a whole tray of little pies just waiting to be universe-adventuring snacks."

"Do I like pie?" the Doctor asked River.

"You like extra hands and making new friends," she reminded him. "And I thought Martha liked pie."

" _I_ like pie," Rory said.

"Then it's settled," the Doctor said. "Geronimo!" He pulled a lever and they were off.

Both Chinwesters grinned until their faces hurt. It was the best day ever.


End file.
